Excerpts from “Answering the Cry for Help”

As I travel the country to educate parents, educators, youth caretakers, and students about suicide prevention, I keep close track of questions and concerns of my audiences.  I have compiled a list of 10 most frequently asked questions.  Although the questions are sincere and may seem elementary, they need to be answered with careful thought.  The following is a list of the questions and some suggestions to how they may be addressed if you are confronted with similar concerns:

“When I hear you speak, you use the term “complete” suicide instead of “Commit” suicide.  Why?”

I learned from my SOS (survivors of suicide) support groups that when they hear the word “commit” they related that to their loved one committing a crime.  They tell me people “commit” murder, bank robberies, etc.  They shared with me that they are offended when people refer to their loved one as “committing” suicide.  Completed is a more sensitive and appropriate term.

“Won’t I put ideas in kids’ heads by talking about suicide?”

The National Association of Suicidology adopted a statement at their 2001 national conference that “Suicide is a national health problem.  The number one preventative measure is to talk about it.”  The willingness to address the issue is seen as admirable and is appreciated by most teens.  In this day and age, teens are under tremendous pressure.  They appreciate caring adults who are willing to help them tackle the tough issues of life, and suicide is obiviously one of these issues.

“If I am talking to a person who at the time seems to be suicidal, should I come right out and ask him if he is thinking about suicide?”

YES!  In my experiences, whenever I asked a person if they were considering suicide, I sensed a great sigh of relief in the person.  It was like they were saying “FINALLY, somebody is willing to talk with me about this.”  Even when I prefaced the question with “You know, I can’t keep this confidential if you say ‘yes’,” it still did not stop them.”

“There are so many adolescent suicides.  What is wrong with today’s kids?”

You are asking the wrong question.  It’s not what is wrong with today’s kids.  It is what is wrong with society.  Please don’t lay the blame for the adolescent suicide epidemic on the adolescents.  This is the wrong attitude.  People with this attitude will most probably do more harm than good in working with people in crisis.  Society isn’t listening to their cry for help and doesn’t know how to respond to this epidemic.

“Isn’t depression a result of a character flaw?  Maybe if the person made better decisions they wouldn’t be depressed?”

Although I agree that bad decisions have negative consequences and depression may be one of them, it is well documented that depression is a medical condition caused by an imbalance of brain chemistry.  When we look at depression as a medical condition instead of a character flaw, we develop the proper attitude in dealing with the depressed individual.  This individual may be depressed, but she is still very alert to our attitude.  A positive attitude will be of paramount importance as we interact with the individual.

“How is grief from suicide different than grief from death of other causes?”

Suicide is a sudden death which many times can induce trauma and traumatic reactions.  It is in most cases a more violent death.  There also tends to be more guilt and anger with the survivors of suicide than death from other causes.  I call it the “I could of, should of, would of” syndrome.  These issues compound the grief process.

“Can I scare kids out of suicidal thoughts?”

NO!!!  Reverse psychology id a BAD idea.  Think about this:  You are depressed and share your thoughts about suicide with a person who you think will help; he says back to you; “just go and kill yourself.”  Instead of scaring you out of the suicidal episode, he just convinced you that “I am right.  Nobody does care.”  Think of the remorse you would feel if this person in crisis took your advice.

“I have read claims that some medication meant to help depression can actually be a factor or cause of suicide.  Is medication dangerous?”

I have seen medication as a positive component to treatment of depression and other behavior disorders.  I don’t have enough information to refute the claims of these reports, but medication has been critical for the treatment of many depressed teens I have worked with.  These treatments have been proven effective when closely monitored under a doctor’s supervision.  I do want to emphatically state however, that medication is only one component of treatment.  Counseling and therapy are also of critical importance as well as diet, activity, and exercise.

“What are the most important things to teach teens while helping a friend in suicidal crisis?”

I believe that there are two extremely important principles we can teach teens to help a friend in suicidal crisis.  First is to not keep the friend’s crisis a secret.  This being said, we need to teach the helping teen to either go with his friend to a responsible adult for help, or if the friend won’t go with him, go to a responsible adult with the information and have them promise to get help immediately.  Will the friend in crisis be upset?  Probably.  But he will be alive and when he recovers he will realize the courage it took for his friend to break confidentiality and seek out help.  The second thing we can do is teach them that if their friend is in an acute crisis, don’t leave her alone until she is in the care of a responsible adult.

“What have been some of the worst things that could be said to a teen in suicidal crisis?”

The worst thing said would have to be the reverse psychology line of “just go and do it.”  The others include the following:

“These are the best years of your life.”  When you tell a depressed person that they are currently in the best years of her life, what hope does she have for the future?  You may

very well be communicating that things will not get any better.

“You have your whole life ahead of you.”   The depressed person may very well hear you saying that he has to be miserable his whole life.  Once again, the depressed person is not given any hope, only continuing discouragement.

“If you think you have problems now, wait to you become an adult and have the pressures of raising a family, a job to go to and bills to pay, etc.” Once again, we give the depressed person no hope for things to get better.

I believe these ten questions are an accurate snapshot of the knowledge about suicide of our general society.  Educating our society about these key issues is of utmost importance if we are to make a difference against the fastest growing killer of our most precious resources; our children.By Dave Opalewski
Excerpts from “Answering the Cry for Help”